發現自己

「旅行的目的是找到自己，我想自己已經準備好回家了。」

這是六年前，在哥倫比亞首都波哥大完成為期十天的內觀禪修營後幾天，我與身處香港的好朋友講電話時分享的內容。

那時候的我接觸瑜伽已經大概十年了，這次內觀禪修營讓我找回自己的方向和瑜伽練習的初心。

旅途上的禪修

之前也有過禪修和靜坐的經驗，而這種十天安靜的內觀禪修營，好幾年前已經好有興趣參加，但一直騰不出時間，那年正好在南美洲六個月的soul- search 旅程中，發現自己好像出走到地球的另一角，但心，還是沒有多出空間，還是記掛著一些人和事，就上網看附近有沒有內觀禪修。正好，找到兩個星期後在同一個城市有一個十天的禪修營即將開始，我就立即報名了。

那個地方，以前是一個天主教的修院，在城市外郊。當我們進入靜修時，我們需要交出手機、電腦、筆記本、書等等。為了讓我們更專注內在的經歷，除了向老師提問外，也不可以說話、跟其他人有眼神接觸、運動等等，讓注意力專注內在，而不是忙著應對其他人。每日大概四點起床，靜坐三個小時再早餐，每日三次大概三小時的靜坐和聽課。

頭幾天，我專心留意呼吸。

當時氣温大概十度，也很潮濕，感覺很冷，我們在靜坐時儘量少動，為了讓身體感受到內心反應也作為覺察的對象。每天坐那麼久，下腰、肩膀、膝蓋也感不適，腳也麻痺了。但最感深刻，是我第一次發現腦袋的瘋狂：儘管離我很遠，思想竟然不停地圍繞著當時喜歡的男生轉。還有在想很多之前發生的事，很多擔心等等，表面上坐著沒有在做什麼，但腦裡面像打仗。平時忙很多外在的事，很少「看」得裡面清楚自己內心，第一次看到，心裡在想：「我係唔係 『癲』嘅？！」

沒有眼神交流，沒有說話，四點起床，吃得簡單，都還可以接受；但和內在的自己赤裸相處，很不容易。

「這是一場心的手術。」創造了這種十天靜修方式的 S. N. Goenka 老師在每晚錄影的課裡講到。他講的其他都忘記了，但我很記得這句，因為我很同意這個講法。

完成一場心的手術

到了大約第六天，依然在留意呼吸和觀察身體感覺，但發現忙碌的念頭開始消退，我第一次意識到腦子裡多了很多空間，好像整個人靜了下來。這種內在的空間感和安靜，以前從來沒有嚐過。

第十天，我們進行了慈心禪—— 為自己和他人做一些祝願，去喚醒對內在的友善。經歷之前九日的坐著觀察、身體痲痹痠痛、發現腦袋的瘋狂後，一開始慈心練習，眼淚像缺堤般流下我的臉，我幾乎被自己的眼淚淹沒了，眼淚同時在滋潤因為對自己苛刻，嚴格而變得像乾裂土地的心。長久以來，我一直往外看，希望其他人喜歡我，為我帶來快樂；但友善，溫柔地對自己，我感覺陌生。溫柔去照顧和滋潤自己，變成一個很大的學習課題。

離開營幾日後，心裡冒出了兩個詞：well-being（身心靈），mindfulness  （靜觀/正念）。我同香港的好朋友打電話，對她說我已經得出了這個結論，可以回家了。

尋找自我旅程的啟示

在南美洲旅程前，我在聯合國機構做過實習，也做過不同的非政府組織、社會創新、社區藝術等工作，都是希望幫助世界，有一點「拯救世界」的感覺，卻好像完全忘記了自己。離營後回想，發現繼續往前，要從心出發，我做的工作也要包括幫助和滋潤自己，而改變，要從內到外發生。

得到這個明確的啟示，感覺反而心定了，不急回香港，就決定多停留在南美洲。本來打算到秘魯走一趟馬丘比丘 (Machu Picchu) ，再到其他城市，但一到達庫斯科 (Cusco) 時有高原反應，就慢下來，剛好找到一家旅舍同時提供心靈療癒、靜坐及瑜伽課程，讓我超開心，住了六個星期。那時候的我，接觸瑜伽已經大概十年了，在這裏，再此尋回瑜伽練習帶給我很纯粹的快樂，我差不多每日上課，做菜，和人聊天—生活簡單，但充滿喜悅、滿足、自在。

一起上課和住在那邊的人，很多都在經歷生命裡的轉捩點，在找生命的新方向。和他們聊天，發現自己內在渴求找到新的生活模式，也是很正常。記得有一位五十多歲從英國剛剛移民到那邊生活的女生，她說以前曾經有一段時間沉淪在酒精和毒品當中，瑜伽給了她很大推動力幫助自己療癒，沒多久就不再濫酒/毒了。

有一家我很喜歡的餐館，老闆是德國人，年輕時在德國學農場管理，在庫斯科開牧場和餐館。還記得我用半鹹淡的西班牙和他聊得很投契，跟他分享自己的故事，他用一個調皮，半鼓勵的語氣跟我講：「最瘋狂的農夫，會有最大的馬鈴薯收成。」還用西班牙語在餐紙上為我寫下這一句，至今會想，感覺猶新。

也很記得，為了慶祝自己生日，我特地去了一家高檔餐館吃午餐。 鄰桌是一位打扮得光鮮的女遊客，她一直抱怨著食物、她的酒店和這個國家的一切。對她來說似乎全部事情都看不過眼，沒有什麼夠好的；我暗暗地告訴自己，不想成為那樣的人。

在香港熟悉的環境裡，好像感到壓力要規規矩矩地生活，努力工作，比較著重物質，常常忙。在南美洲生活幾個月，沒有工作，大部分時間隨著自己興趣而選擇去哪裡，做什麼。只有一雙爬山鞋，沒有化妝品，沒有用智能電話，過得簡單，但快樂。

這次內觀禪修營讓我切身體會到心的轉化和療癒，看到對這種內在自由空間的需要和渴求，更啟發我要往靜觀/正念（mindfulness）這條路走。去那麼遠soul-search，原來靜下來，答案就在自己裡面，想起道德經第47 節 ：

“There is no need to look outside your window, for everything you need to know is inside of you.”

從此，我的生活，與瑜伽，靜觀深深的連上。

（刊登於 Sportsoho 雜誌 2021 年 1 月）

“The purpose of travelling is to find oneself, I think I’m ready to go home.”

Six years ago, I shared with my friend over a call, after finishing a 10-day silent vipassana retreat in Bogota, Colombia.

I have been practicing yoga for 10 years then, this retreat allowed me to reconnect with what feels true to me, and my original intention. 

Retreating during a trip 

I have previously practiced mindfulness and meditation, and have been curious to join this silent retreat for a few years, but have never found the time. Being on this soul-searching trip in South America, I noticed that it didn’t matter that I was on the other corner of the world, there didn’t seem to be much space within, the mind was still pre-occupied with different things and people. So I looked online to see if there was a centre nearby for retreat. Just happened that in two weeks, there was a retreat starting in the same city, so I enrolled. 

The venue was previously a Catholic monastery, in the outskirts of the city. When we entered the retreat, we needed to hand in our phone, laptop, notebook, books. In order to be more focused on our internal experience instead of interacting with others, aside from asking teacher questions (an opportunity that came once every 2-3 days), we couldn’t speak, no eye contact, no stretching etc.. 

We woke up around 4am each day, sat for three hours before breakfast, with three rounds of three hours of sitting and /or lecture each day. 

First few days, I paid attention to the breath. 

The temperature there was around 10 degrees, it was humid and felt very cold, we tried to minimise movement and the object of attentiono included the mind’s activities. Sitting cross-legged for such a long time each day, the lower back, shoulders, and knees were feeling numb. But the most memorable part was to notice the craziness in the mind for the first time. It didn’t matter how far I was, my mind was busy thinking about the boy I was interested in at the time. And many other things that was happening before, and a lot of things I was worried about. It didn’t look like I was doing much, but inside the head, it was like a battlefield. Usually we are busy dealing with what is outside, it is rare to pause for an extended amount of time and look within. The first time seeing that, I wondered: “Are I crazy?” 

No eye contact, no talking, waking up at 4am, simple food, those are all not so difficult. But to see my mind, myself in such a “naked” way, was really challenging. 

“It is an operation of the heart” -from the teacher S. N. Goenka who founded this method of 10-day retreat, in one of the evening recordings. I have since forgotten everything else he said, but this sentence still feels so fresh. It certainly felt that way. 

Finishing an operation of the heart 

Around the 6th day, we were still observing the breath and the body’s sensations, but the busyness in the mind began to settle. For the first time, I sensed there was more space in the mind, like things was quieting down. This sense of inner space and quietness, I don’t quite remember having ever felt that way before in my life.

On the tenth day, we did metta, commonly translated as loving-kindness meditation - offering friendliness to ourselves and others. After that previous nine days of sitting and observing, body aching from the extended sitting, noticing the craziness within, when we began the metta practice, tears started pouring down my face like a dam has been broken, I was almost drowned in my own tears. It was nourishing the heart, that that felt dried up from years of being harsh and demanding  towards myself. For so long, I have been looking outside, hoping others would like me, bring me happiness. But to treat myself in a friendly way, with kindness, felt so foreign. To care for myself, nourish myself with friendliness, became a big learning for me.  

A few days after the retreat, two words came to me: well-being, mindfulness. I called my friend in Hong Kong, told her I have arrived at this conclusion, and feel ready to come home. 

Learnings from the soul search

Before the trip, I have previously interned at a United Nations agency, worked in different NGO, social innovation organization, community art etc. It felt like I have spent my earlier life trying to “save the world”, but forgetting myself in the midst of it. After the retreat, it came to me that going forward, things need to come from the heart, what I do will need to include nourishing myself, and change, will come from inside-out.

Having this insight, I felt more reassured and decided to stay for a bit longer in South America. Initially the plan was to visit Machu Picchu in Peru, before visiting other cities, but I had symptoms of acute high altitude disease upon arriving at Cusco, the city closest to Machu Picchu. I slowed down, found a hostel that was also providing healing, meditation and yoga, I was so happy and stayed there for six weeks. At that time, it has been around 10 years since I started practicing yoga. Being here, I re-experienced the simple joy of practicing, going to classes almost every day, cooking, talking to others. Life felt simple, but filled with joy, contentment and ease. 

Many of the people who went to class or were living there were going through pivotal moments in their lives, and looking for a new direction. Talking to them, I noticed that the yearning for a new way of life is also normal. I remember talking to a woman in her 50s, who just move from the UK. She said that for a while she was lost in alcohol and drug abuse, and yoga practice helped her with the power to heal, and it didn’t take too long for her to recover.
There was a restaurant I really liked, the owner is German, he studied agricultural management when he was young. He opened a dairy farm and restaurant in Cusco. I remember speaking to him in my half-baked Spanish, and really enjoyed it. Sharing with him my story, he responded with a playful and half-encouraging tone: “the craziest farmer harvest the biggest potatoes.” And wrote it for me on a napkin, in Spanish, this reminder feels so fresh each time I revisit it. 

Celebrating my birthday, I took myself out to one of the better restaurants for lunch. Sitting on the next table is a well-dressed woman, who kept complaining about the food and everything about the country. She seems to dislike everything, nothing seems to be good enough for her. I told myself I would never want to become like that. 

In the familiar environment of Hong Kong, it feels like there is a pressure to conform: to live in a “proper” way, work hard, have an emphasis on the material life, being busy all the time. During the few months in South America, I didn’t have a job, and followed my interest to go and do wherever I wanted. Just a pair of hiking shoes, no make-up, no smart phone, it felt simple and happy. 

This retreat experience allowed me to experience the transformation and healing of the heart, experienced the yearning and need for inner space, and inspired me to walk / work towards mindfulness. Going so far for soul-searching, when I slowed down, realising the answer has been within all along. Tao Te Jing, epigram 47, comes into mind: 

“There is no need to look outside your window, for everything you need to know is inside of you.”

Since then, my life has been interwoven with yoga and mindfulness. 

(In Sportsoho, Jan 2021)